Cade's Inbox

[onlyhymns]

[For personal threads, memos, things left in his quarters for him to stumble on, confessions of love, injunctions, jars of bees, and so forth.]

Comments

[byblow]

Maybe, [ Alistair says after he's swallowed, ] but not trying at all didn't help me any. Maybe there's some happy medium.

[onlyhymns]

[Cade almost looks like he's about to protest, but then sighs slightly instead, allowing his small smile to remain.]

You were the luckiest one. [He sounds sheepish.] Not that... that's at all surprising.

[byblow]

[ He scoff-laughs. ] Yes, that's me. Luckiest man alive. [ He'a halfway to taking another bite before he pauses and adds, ] I was never going to be a Templar. Even if they'd have been willing to let me take vows, Dunc—the Warden-Commander, he knew my mother. It wasn't luck. Or skill. Or charm.

[onlyhymns]

[Cade is confused. He stops eating to just look at Alistair, processing.]

...you mean... [He blinks several times.] ...nobody else had a chance no matter what?

[byblow]

[ Alistair shakes his head without looking up, without registering that this might be important news to anyone else—he doesn't especially like it, this idea that joining the Wardens was as much a matter of bloodlines as taking the throne might have been, but he's already worked through that. No one recruits Wardens out of charity. Alistair has seen the reasons that's a bad idea laid out dead at his feet a few dozen times too many.

When he does glance up, he misinterprets (maybe) Cade's slow-moving distress. ]

Don't blame Duncan. The tournament wasn't his idea. At least everyone had a day off from lessons, right?

[onlyhymns]

[Gradually, Cade's look goes from surprised to incredulous. It takes him several moments to speak, and is visibly shaken, possibly even angry.]

...I.. wanted to go.

[He struggles with the words, simultaneously feeling guilty for saying them
and trying to keep a grip on his sudden anxiety.]

I made a fool of myself all day.

[He had worked hard and fought hard-- it had never quite sit right that Alistair had been chosen, but actually hearing that it was rigged in his favor is far worse than simply speculating.]

[byblow]

[ Alistair's eyebrows furrow as he tries, genuinely tries, to remember what Cade had been up to that day, beyond existing in the sea of people who were Not Alistair's Friends, i.e. literally everyone. He can't even remember if they were ever matched. It's likely they weren't, since Alistair hadn't been allowed to participate at all until late in the day when plenty of people had already finished fighting or been eliminated. (That had gone over really well.) ]

I don't remember you doing anything foolish, [ he decides, talking around his spoon again. ] And I spent most of the day watching and hoping someone would do something stupid, so if you had I would remember.

[onlyhymns]

No. [Cade shakes his head, squeezing his eyes closed a moment, one of his more recognizable expressions of frustration.] I believed I could do it, I tried to impress him. But I never had a chance, and he knew it.

[Foolishness isn't just doing foolish things: it's believing something past believability, hanging one's hopes on a hook that supports nothing. Abruptly he wonders how many of the others knew, if they were all just watching at him and laughing at his pithy efforts.
He presses his hand over his brow, perhaps just not wanting Alistair to see his eyes right now.]

I'm such an idiot.

[byblow]

See, [ Alistair says, taking what is obviously the best approach to handling Cade's hurt feelings, ] this is why no one should ever try anything.

[ He doesn't mean it. Granted, he hadn't tried--not really. Not to be recruited. He'd wanted to be, sure, anything but the Templars, but his performance during the tournament had been a performance in every sense of the word, meant to make Duncan and the other spectators laugh rather than to show off any fighting prowess. If not for Fiona and Maric it probably wouldn't have worked.

But still. He doesn't mean it. He's only trying to make Cade argue with a statement that's clearly ridiculous. ]

[onlyhymns]

[That's what makes it so insulting, especially in hindsight: that Cade was too oblivious to see it, like he was everything else. He feels a pressure building in his chest that's threatening to manifest in a way that wouldn't be of any use to anyone, and though he fights it back, his distress is clearly building.]

You think this is funny.

[On some level he's aware that he wants nothing less than to estrange himself from Alistair again, but to do that is as simple as it is to cure his temper problem or to feel good about himself. A process, perhaps a losing battle.]

It's all about you, as always. [He's muttering, as if speaking quietly will make the things he's saying less... said.]

[byblow]

[ I think everything is funny, Alistair had been on the verge of saying--mouth already open for the first vowel and everything--with a mock-offended don't-you-know-me-at-all tone meant to double as a contradiction. He doesn't think everything is funny. A sense of humor is just a lot lighter and easier to carry around than a shield.

But he doesn't say it, anyway, because Cade keeps talking, and his cocky smirk slips into a mix of perplexity and more genuine annoyance. ]

What's that supposed to mean?

[onlyhymns]

Nobody liked me either, [Cade says in mounting aggravation.] Maybe... maybe the teachers did, but none of the others.

[He clenches his jaw, glaring at the table.]

Never mind. Forget it.

[byblow]

[ Alistair does not forget it. There's a moment where it looks like maybe he's willing to, where he stabs his spoon back into his porridge and focuses on chasing a berry around in the milk, but it's a very short moment. ]

I liked you, [ he says when the short moment has passed. It's too sharp to be reassurance. Closer to an accusation. ]

[onlyhymns]

[Cade casts a sulky glance his way, but doesn't respond immediately. Instead he takes an aggressive bite of his bread, finishing it off and then, in a gesture somehow simultaneously dainty and angry, wipes his mouth with a napkin. Then he folds his arms, continuing to glower at the table as he tries to come up with a decent response.]

...I liked you too, [he says defensively. It is also an accusation.]

[byblow]

Yes, well, [ Alistair says, starting out too sharp but then losing steam, visible in the slackening of his shoulders, ] I didn't know that.

[ And if he had it wouldn't have mattered. Even if he'd cared at that point to try to bring Cade along when he left, he probably couldn't have, and if he'd wanted to and he could have Cade may very well have died during the Joining. ]

[onlyhymns]

[As the tension leaves Alistair, it begins to leave Cade too, and then they're both sitting in awkward silence like a couple of petulant children.

After at least a minute, Cade curls his hand over his mouth, resting the weight of his head on it briefly before he speaks again.]

I wish you had stayed.

[byblow]

[ After all of his hard work catching his berry, Alistair dumps it off the spoon and instead cleaves it in half against the inside edge of his bowl, like it's done something to warrant execution. ]

So we could keep not talking for a couple of years until you were sent off to the Marches or I got stashed somewhere I couldn't embarrass anyone?

[onlyhymns]

[At this, Cade slumps a little further. He can't argue with it, and he can't articulate the Feelings he is trying to convey. He's bad at this whole friendship thing. If that's what this is?]

No...

[His answer is timid, almost apologetic. He squares his shoulders, trying to think of a better response. When Alistair starts being quippy, it's hard to find one.]

[byblow]

[ Alistair eyes him; pressing the point any further would be unsportsmanlike, most likely, especially when what's on the tip of his tongue is at least you were more interested in killing mages than I was, but he doesn't know what else to say. He lands on honesty— ]

I don't know what you want me to say.

[ —but he probably wouldn't say it if he did. ]

[onlyhymns]

I... don't either.

[Cade drums his fingers on the tabletop, once, then again. He frowns.]

I'm just... [Pausing, he battles with the sentence for a while. What is he trying to say, anyway?]

...glad you're here.

[byblow]

Considering the alternative, [ Alistair says, which means me too, and gives Cade a light, companionable kick under the table. ]

[onlyhymns]

[A small smile, and then a hesitantly returned kick. Cade looks nervous and glances at Alistair after he does so, probably just making sure he didn't hurt him, because he's an uncontrollable violent monster who hurts people without trying.]